I Gave You Everything
Back in 2007 I had the greatest of plans. Moving in with my new boyfriend "Hans" down in the sunny south sounded like a dream. It took me until 2010 to realize it wasn't working as a romantic relationship. Two months ago I realized there was no "just being friends". Today I learned he is Narcissistic.
He was so full of fun facts. We were both obsessed with the same video game which we played all the time. He told me how good I was, how amazing my fanart was and flattered me when I drew it for him. He taught me more about biology than high school ever did and challenged my way of thinking in a way that made me feel challenged and confident. For a while.
After moving in with him he was quick to set up with his computer and then never leave it. I worked 2 jobs and went to school online full time. He had one job which he lost due to his refusal to go out and get a TB test. His excuse? "I don't know where it is. I don't know who to talk to. I don't have my paperwork. I don't have time."
Then he stopped doing chores. That obviously started to irk the roommates. After being scolded by the roomies for not having a job nor doing his share of the housework he stopped talking to them all together and expected me to fix it all.
When I tried to quit smoking he was emotionally unavailable and ignored my fits and tears like a dog begging. I got the care I needed so few times that when it did happen, I was starved enough to look past the weeks of coldness and pain and forgive him for everything.
We both began to abuse drugs. We didn't buy food because I couldn't pay the bills, get us high, and pay for bus fair on $160 a week. Eventually I was too strung out to continue. His response? "I knew that 6 months ago, I was waiting for YOU to finally notice."
After many upsetting phone calls from the bill collectors, my family and friends we drove back to bumfudge NJ from SC and he immediately was too tired to deal with the fact we were through.
I broke up with him but tried to remain his friend as he had convinced me that we were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. I should have known something was up when he said, "I won't work anything under a management position." and when he told me food service was beneath him. Which by the way was what I was doing to support us.
A few months ago Hans' mother, (whom in hindsight may also have been narcissistic) died and I thought I'd go help him clean up his house and learn how to live without the woman that brought him dinner to his computer every day...at age 25. He continued to tell me he'd win me back and tempted me over there with tales of how depressed he was, how bad he needed my help, and with a $2,000 check at the end of a 4 month period for my trouble.
In that 4 months i also discovered his family are hoarders. His mother had collected crap and cats and the animals had turned his house into an ammonia breeding ground. I couldn't clean with the cats, his father refused to do anything about it as did he. because the cats were his fathers and not his, he would let vomit, urine, and feces sit for hours, days, even weeks until his 70 year old father cleaned it up.
Needless to say nothing in the house was his fault or his problem. That why he was paying me right? Except after 2 months he refused to pay for my student loans, blaming it on "his father being mad/stressed" about the extra bills. I let it go. Then he decided that he didn't like my smoking any more so he tried to get me to quit. I want to quit smoking so I let him lead me on with it. When I relapsed, he used it against me as though my smoking was primarily hurting him and that I owed him something for buying me the cigarettes.
My only job while there was to clean his house (impossible w/o cat removal) and to help the now 28 year old Hans work his job as a NEWSPAPER DELIVERY BOY. I learned to do one of his 2 routes by heart and therefore litterily did 1/2 his job for no pay other than my coffee, food, cigarettes, and cell phone bill.
Then he stopped paying my cell phone bill too. I had no way of being paid except through him, and whenever he didn't pay me it was either his fathers fault for hoarding money or mine because I "spend all their money on cigarettes". never mind the $320 bag of pot he bought, that was also my fault because he "only smokes with other people".
He tried to destroy my life like his mother destroyed his, only speaking in either a condescending or aggressive tones, blaming everyone else for everything else and then sometimes blaming me for others acting a certain way.
For example, I'm moving in with my bff of 12 years. She doesn't like hans. He told me all the time how it was MY responsibility to change HER opinion of him because I'M the one who PUT those HORRIBLE UNTRUE LIES into her head in the first place. I'm sad to say that it took until that moment for my red flag to finally go up.
As I tried to pull away the emotional battery got worse. The weather seemed to somehow be my fault, though of course he could never say such silly things outright. If I counted the papers wrong it was my fault I didn't have money for my phone bill and things like how he sat outside in the car for 30 mins "waiting for a better parking spot" had no effect on whether or not HE got the right number of papers.
he never did give me that $2000, but he did buy me the laptop he said he would. The one I didn't get to use until I left with it. he took my Wii as repayment for the "wasted nicotine patches" and is currently requesting I mail him back books we lost in the move or he refuses to mail back my cousins games which i'd forgotten there in my rush to leave.
I'm happy to say that after speaking with my friends and family, we're all happy to be rid of him. I didn't need his money and I sure as hell didn't need his BS abuse.
I've been battling with low self-esteem and depression since puberty and I see how easy a target I must have seemed, what with being used to feeling guilty, like a bad person and with my driving desire to show kindness and give care to others.
it's good to know that I'm not an over-emotional crazy bitch and also that it wasn't a bad place at a bad time, it was just a narcissist. <3