Mother doesn't know best...

by Leah
(eastern seaboard)

It doesn't matter what my name is, or what her name is.
But i've suffered a lot from what my "mother" did.

I was born to a militant feminist/gender dysfunctional/hoarding narcissistic woman. She hated everything about herself, physically: her breasts, her womb, her height, her weight.

She loved herself, or worshipped herself, rather: her genius-level IQ, her job as a hired goon for Big Pharma USA, her 401k.

I was born to her after she'd been married for 5 years to a lazy ne'er-do-well (lazy since she forbade him to work, drive, etc, or perhaps he was ok with it), an accidental pregnancy, an unwanted child, a burden.

She wanted a boy, and when she gave birth to a girl she gave me a boy's name and decorated my nursery with footballs, basketballs, and baseballs.

Needless to say, i was the stereotypical girly-girl.

I wanted to take ballet, and had relatives tell me i had real potential (including one who taught at the Joffrey).

She refused, saying the pediatricians claimed i would be crippled by age 30. (She also kept me in a high chair all day until i was almost 5 for the same supposed reason.) But karate was ok.

I wanted to wear long ruffly dresses. She almost never let me wear them, even on class picture day.

She pushed me towards scary, violent movies as a small kid; i hated them.

Things were far worse when i was a teen. I was taken to a shrink who claimed i was incapable of self-care, should not be allowed to go out without a chaperone, should not go to on-campus college classes, should not drive or work.

I was put on every psychotropic medication you can imagine in high doses at my mother's insistence. Hospitalised at my mother's insistence as well, 4 times.

I was told i should have been aborted. Stupid. Worthless. Ugly. Retarded. Incompetent. Unemployable. Naive. Idiot. Dumb. Mentally slow.

Eventually i was forced to apply for mental disability at age 25, and she was made rep payee.

I live with my fiance and his family now. My father-in-law is rep payee so i get some money, though it is not much.

I have less than 8 thousand dollars in my account and nobody will hire me because i am almost 30 with virtually no long term work experience.

I am constantly terrified of the future. And i have numerous illnesses and physical conditions that for years she ignored when i complained, saying i was 'paranoid' and 'imagining things' and that 'bipolars do that'.

She called me worthless and stupid. Her husband is physically violent, always would hit me and beat me and throw things at me and push me and spit in my face (literally).

I have nothing to offer anymore. She started getting very ill after i moved out, even though i was 7 blocks away from her she says the distance is too far, yet she goes to auctions and antique markets an hour away or more. I am ready to give up.

I was the only reason she had any kind of Christmas or Thanksgiving in 2010, i cooked everything and spent 3 days just washing dishes in her filthy little mudhole of a hovel, not to mention busting my butt in the kitchen from 5 am to 4 pm making dinner.

I had only ten dollars to spend on Christmas gifts for her and my father. I bought her what i could afford that she could use, including nice chocolates.

She bought me $4 worth of dollar store stickers and wind up toys (at age 25, mind you). I had nothing in my stocking, even though i filled theirs (mum and dad) with candies and beer from the kitchen. Not an ounce of gratitude.

In fact when i asked her to help me by sitting in the kitchen on Christmas day & chatting as i cooked dinner, she whined how she had "things to do". She spent that entire day watching tv, glued to the couch.

I don't know where i can go with this pain. I used to go to church, and i begged the people there for help...but nobody would listen. "Obey your mother"they said. "Don't leave her house", they said. "She has the right to treat you however she wants", they said.

When i called them out on ignoring the problems, after i'd moved out and got engaged to a non-Christian who was more Christlike in their actions than they were, they were livid that i would make THEIR church look bad by pointing out the way they refused to help me.

I believe in God but i find it difficult to believe that Christianity is so "good" or is the "right way" when they wronged me as they did, and when an agnostic fiance and an atheist mother in law were truly Christlike.

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