My battle to escape my narcisisstic ex!

It has taken me years to finally realize what my ex really is.

I always knew something wasn't right. I always described him as cold and uncaring, selfish to say the least.

Our marriage lacked intimacy which he always explained away with "i'm not a touchy feely person".

He was always too busy with his own interests and hobbies to care about me or the kids. He saw nothing wrong with this and said that I was too needy and demanding when I wanted him to spend time with us as a family.

He would only do this if it was an activity that HE liked or was HIS idea. We kept our finances separate and had to "split" everything 50/50 even though he made 3 times my salary.

If I needed money for something he would say I had to pay him back. He would get angry easily and would remind me of how "worthless" I was and how much he had done for me.

He would remind me that his material belongings were most important and that I would always come second to them. He would boast and brag to everyone who would listen about how wonderful his things were, like how much better his car stereo was then theirs or how much better his home surround sound system was then theirs.

This was very embarrassing to say the least but he saw nothing wrong with this behaviour of putting others down. He is a wonderful liar and can easily play off that he is the "victim" in a relationship and can even convince you that everything is your fault even though deep down somewhere you know better, you actually start doubting yourself!

He has a very warped sense of reality, and will claim that events happened that never did! He even said I tried to "damage his car on several occasions" (never ever happened) in his reply to my request for divorce and custody/child support, among many many other false claims.

Is this a real belief or a purposeful lie intended to damage me? Maybe both. He can do no wrong and will never apologize for anything. he is vengeful and angry.

Now he is after me for custody of our son. No surprise there because I burned him. I left him 5 yrs ago and I hurt his ego because I had an affair with the person I am with now and left him for. (Big surprise when you feel unloved and abused).

I came clean and told him and demanded that he leave the home which he only did kicking and screaming and stalked me for a while afterwards.

I don't feel any guilt for the way things ended, I think this is because I know he never really cared about me anyways so why should I feel bad?

Also I highly suspect he was cheating long before I was because a friend of mine actually admitted to sleeping with him a few years prior but he denied this.

My affair was not intentional really, it was feeling unwanted and unloved I think that made it easy for me. Plus the marriage was practically over long before that, all we did was fight and we never agreed on anything.

He just couldn't let go because he had an "image" to keep as a husband and father. After the split I was stupid enough to allow him to decide how much child support he wanted to pay and when he wanted to see the kids.

He has been in control ever since. He has "fits" if he doesn't get what he wants which is what finally led me to file with the court.

It is long from over I am sure but I know now what i am dealing with which will help me out a lot as I make my way through all of this.

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Sep 26, 2014
People Can Be Ignorant of MENTALAbuse
by: Anonymous

Okay. I am reading everyone's stories and I have been there, too, everyone. Swearing, put downs, rages, one minute nice, the next minute cruel, liar, pathological, illogical, delusional, lacking a conscience, lacking empathy, a con man. Flips outs easily. Everything is my fault and I'm the crazy one. Well! I feel for all of you! I get it. Four years ago... the word "narcissist" or "wounded narcissistic personality" or "sociopath" or "psychopath" had no place in my brain and no clue what they were really about. I'm a financially independent, truth-telling, loving, caring and loyal person. BING! Can I say IDIOT? Yes yes I know.... you are not to blame and neither am I but WOW. I cry for my children so much and I just pray I can do all I can to protect them, not be affected or hurt by him AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. What makes me upset is that as I go through a huge court battle (21 court appearances in 1.5 years) and I read up on how we are suppose to TELL people, GET SUPPORT from people, and that out lovely country is ABUSE FREE and BULLY FREE zone, I am realizing how IGNORANT the court system is and how IGNORANT lawyers can be... I can't get mad because four years ago- I was that IGNORANT when someone told me this guy I ended up marrying was a narcissist. It went in one ear and out the other. What a fool am I; he ended up trying to get me to commit illegal actions (TRIED!! I got threatened, criticized and blamed etc etc), he tried sulking, playing victim when I wouldn't put him on title of MY house, all sorts of stuff I know most of you had to go through. The kicker? The man drove at 150-160km down a dark isolated road when it was raining in the dark just to laugh at me and "teach me a lesson" with the children in the car. This road has animals jumping out all the time. It's like he WANTED to die or kill us! It was a memory I cannot forget. Or how many times did I put myself and the children in a room and hope he would get all his anger out and leave us alone and be safe? I just didn't want to believe he is what he is. Like a fool, I did not go to the police (never had to in my life!), at least not for a few months. I was getting really scared at home, the kids were scared, and everyday was walking on eggshells and YET HE MADE ME DOUBT MY GUT. It's my fault. How dare I etc etc.. until I hinted that I was going for a divorce. WELL. I think he knew I meant it and unbeknownst to me began getting me to track him on GPS to "prove" he wasn't a cheat, then told all his female coworkers how insecure I was while at home he told me one of them gave him a blow job and what a "dirty" boy he was being at work and how I should "just accept it" and other weird mind games. Sad part is, it was just a control game to him. He bemoaned how I never obeyed him but all the while that man knew I meant it and honestly I feel SET UP... and I KNOW IT. How do I know? He cried once to the judge and said I was the one who set him up when he breached and failed to return the children to me.. GET IT? He breaches. He breaks the rules. Yet somehow I "set him up." So. Guess who set who up? Yeah. Sometimes he's not that clever and I did get police enforcement. Not that that did me any good. Finally he says to me, in a calm almost arrogant way, he will make my death look like an accident. This man gets that same confident/arrogant/distainful/blank/dead shark look. He means it. I am just an object. His children are just objects. He'll cry. He'll say he's the victim. I am the abuser. No NO NO!!!! It's HIM. So now that I accept he has mental illness (I always felt sorry for him), I am doing everything to protect the children. EVERYTHING. I just talked to a community health worker who said "there's worse situations".... BING! DOES NOBODY GET IT??????!!!!! Does anyone else have this problem? Nothing worse? REALLY?!!! Like what? If the man told her to drink cyanide because aliens were coming she'd probably fall for that trick! This guy is REALLY clever. Really convincing. But top notch delusional!!! He gets people to put down their guard, tells stories to discount every damn word I say, and act like a poor me!!! I am not a liar. I am not vindictive- I was TOO SCARED TO BE VINDICTIVE!!!! I am not mentally ill, or a liar or a fraud or a scammer or an abuser or a stalker-all things he says about me and I know he is PROJECTING himself... I wish more people could help the actual VICTIM- and the kids!!! Anyways, I don't know why I needed to write this, only to say to everyone:
1. document everything right from the start... I never did still in my la-la land of hoping he wasn't as bad as I thought, but document EVERYTHING.., he IS as bad as you think... my second problem was there was too much to document... he hasn't stopped! with him, it's one thing after another and it barely gives me any time to catch my breath!
2. research all the sites on google and read these discussion groups because NO ONE will understand you as much as those of us who have actually been in the mind-games... I think back four short years and think that something like this was impossible to happen to me but VOILA!
3. forgive RCMP, judges, lawyers and everyone who may not believe you... at first... the great thing about narcissistic sociopaths or narcissists in general is... THEY WON'T CHANGE so time will reveal them for what they are... just keep documenting and VIDEOTAPE... my ex told the judge I was videotaping the child exchanges and the judge ordered me to stop so now he can say whatever he wants!!! GRRRRRRRRRR Don't let this happen to you... of course my ex now says I'm aggressive and swearing and crazy at the exchanges and that I am breaching the court orders when IT ISN'T TRUE!!!!!!!!!!! My ex is so slick he tells me when he used to drug deal that he knew when police were tapping his phone! He said he wanted them to so he could act like nothing was going on. Who knows if that's true or not or just a delusion? But still. It makes me my opinion if anything goes wrong around him, he's got himself a rock solid alibi. Yes. He's that good. He plays with dates and times a lot, so I've learned.
4. no matter how scared you are, no matter how frightened you may sound, or how hysterical... call the RCMP right from the start... I never did because I couldn't... I know my ex... he will do exactly what he says so the less I could anger him, the better (yes, I had him removed from my house by an EPO... he's still and always going to feel angry hurt by this)
5. write, pray, meditate, get healthy, limit contact as much as possible and focus on saving and protecting the children... the more he projects and makes self-serving statements to me, the more I know his mind tricks... I say the truth but he combats it truth for lie truth for lie so it becomes a confusing mess and looks just like a he-said, she-said.... this is not going unnoticed
6. NO CONTACT. One thing I kick myself for (because I didn't want to appear vindictive or the troublemaker as my ex kept telling people and lawyers kept saying judges don't like parents who are 'fighting' like this is some kind of regular divorce (not so!) please get yourself NO CONTACT immediately. Best ADVICE EVER! And don't get someone to be your third party contact either because my ex ended up trying to jail and threaten my third party person (who of course to my ex was also a stalker and a harasser!) unbelievable but true! so..
More education is needed. I've learned long ago that I can't pity myself or pity him- as stupid as that may sound, I know that man is truly wounded. Well.
Good luck everyone.

Stay strong. Stay wise. Stay calm. ALL IS WELL. Really mean it. Say it to your ex, if you can work up the courage. (They have some sort of radar for feeling out people's inner convictions... he can size up a cop as quick as a judge and smooze his way into their hearts or heads... but the good thing? NOT YOURS. NOT ANYMORE.

And don't give up. My ex has done a real winner of a job isolating me from talking to anyone (if you want a good tip, tell everyone your ex is a stalker and a harasser and then tell them really convincing stories and VOILA you have your very own social network of stalkers working for you... at least this is what my ex did and is still doing to me) so....

I hope my rant helps someone out there at least. Looking back, the best advice and hope to give to people is DON'T DOUBT YOUR GUT. I knew something was wrong shortly after watching him interact with the children. It wasn't normal. He's very careful now with a new girlfriend to put on a good show, but the sad part is he is not doing it for the children. He's doing it for his image and smug satisfaction of trying hard to make me look wrong. Funny thing, though. The children can tell. You know what my son says about his father? He gave him a nickname. KILLER. (I'm not joking- I told him he had to pick a different nickname). NOW that we know what the problem is... we may not be able to fix it, but we can HEAL OURSELVES. And we will. One day at a time. One friend at a time. One judge, one RCMP, one lawyer at a time. EDUCATE.

I want this man's time with the children reduced. And supervised. I won't stop asking. And I won't give up on them. Not either of them. Only because I know too well how he is behind closed doors. And I don't want to write another anonymous rant on here with more hurts to tell. God bless all of you and know this mental illness is going to get more attention with the right people who can do more to help us and help the children most of all.

Jul 23, 2013
You Could Have Been Writing About Me
by: Anonymous

Yes, I married the narcissist after 6 yrs of a roller coaster ride. I thought I could handle it. But, yes.. this self absorbed husband ( 3 times married now) only cared about his expensive hobby, his toys, what "stuff" he could accumulate to impress his friends while on the brink of going into debt. Had already filed bankruptcy 2 yrs before.

He isolated me from my family - kept me from HIS family - I had moved an hour away from my job/friends and never felt so hopeless in my life. I begged to go out to dinner - to a movie but it never happened. Any money he had was his. I kept mine "mine".... thinking it would keep him from driving me into debt. He complained that I didn't use MY car to drive HIM to his friend's house and then the narcissistic rages began. I was trying to be a good wife for 16 mos and then it started out of nowhere. He'd rage at me when nobody was looking, threatened to throw my stuff out and lock me out of the house ( which he did this week) if I didn't go along with what he wanted. All the while.. putting on this " GOOD GUY" face to the outside World while being absolutely horrid to his wife who he claimed was the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM!!!

I started feeling afraid - hopeless - alone - and like a slave to his whims. His mood swings were off the charts knowing when he should be "nice" to me.. and just as easily turning into an ogre who threatened/intimidated me.

The last straw? He'd aggravated me again ( almost daily now) and KNEW he'd done wrong. Sat there with a SMUG, SMIRKY, face that I wanted to smash. I left ( smart enough to keep the house I owned when we married!! And ALL my finances intact!!) He was livid that I let my daughter live in my house and didn't approve of what he thought was a measly amount of rent. He raged when I bought new appliances for that house. Was that HIS business? HIS money?? Why did HE care? Because it would have been MORE FOR HIM.

In closing.. why did I decide to pull the plug after 7 yrs?? I had "run away" so many times to escape the abuse - my daughter finally said to me.. " Mom, you are a big girl and free to make your own decisions. But if you go back to a man who abuses you with words/behavior, I will lose all respect for you."

I'd already lost my own. And I'd never had the respect of my husband. It was my oldest daughter who gave me the courage to leave.

I would never in this World want to set a bad example for my daughters and teach them that it's ok to be abused. IT IS NOT.

Ladies.. don't ignore the red flags!! Don't think you can fix him. You can't. All the love in the World won't make an iota of difference.

There is no glory in being abused -- You should ALWAYS love yourself more.. When nobody is there and you look around.. who is always right beside you? YOU.. You are your own best friend. Be kind to yourself. We only have one life to live.
Nobody has the right to make you miserable unless you allow it.


Jan 14, 2013
To Many Of Them
by: Anonymous

Wow I am amazed. Your story just blew me away. I was with my ex for 16 months (met online 2 yrs ago) and I have been trying to get him off my back for 2 months now, I have filed for an avo and they can not serve him because they can not find him. (he moved down to my home town and switches cars) I knew something was not right too, not long after we met. The boasting, the egoness, the putting down of all people, except the ones who flattered him.
Now that I have stopped all contact with him, he has cloned and hijacked my mobile phone, so bought a pre paid phone and he tracked that one down as well, his threatening to kill me, destroy everything around me. I have not gone back to my house in weeks because he broke in and stole his fathers ring and now 3 weeks later he is STILL demanding me to return it. How do I do that when it's already stolen?
Oh i feel for you, I really do, when you need support and help, YOU ARE SO DEMANDING, HOW DARE YOU. I asked for a neck rub once and omg did I cop it. How dare I ask and be so demanding of him.
I am just amazed that these N's do not give up. He wants me to contact him SO HE CAN HAVE CLOSURE. He popped my four car tyres on Friday while i was at work and goes on Facebook and tells everyone that im accusing him of breaking into my house and damaging my car.
He will not stop emailing me at work, ringing me at work. So as I stand I have til 5pm to ring him or I better watch out.
Im really starting to get annoyed by this sicko and im not scared anymore.
I am on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and if it wasn't for those two magic pills each day, I would not be here. But we are strong and will NOT let these N's control our minds and life anymore.
Good luck Darl and hang in there.

Sep 05, 2011
Sounds entirely too familiar
by: Anonymous

Is his name John and do you live in Phoenix??

Because, believe me, this guy sounds EXACTLY like the guy I divorced 25 years ago. He dragged the divorce out for 4 years, demanded totally unreasonable stuff from both me and the court, lied, lied and lied some more, pissed off both his lawyer (who asked the judge to let him drop my ex as his client) and several judges, and even tried to get to me through my son, demanding visitation and refusing to pay child support (my child by a previous relationship, but raised by this man). When the judge, after having an extended private conversation with my son (who has Aspergers), decided my ex could only have visits supervised by a social worker, my ex made arrangements to see the boy for Christmas, never showed up, and never called again. Didn't take the kid's calls, failed to contact him on birthday or the following Christmas, either. The man was a true loss as a human being.

I am glad you got away from him...and hope your new relationship is all you hope it to be.

Aug 20, 2011
by: Anonymous

Thanks so much for your support!

Aug 20, 2011
woman!!! gooooood for you!! :)
by: Anonymous

I am sooooo glad you stuck it up to him!! not a lot of women have the courage to dump scum bags like that and get a new man that treats them right while at it! my highest regard and kudos! remember that even if things are not 100% perfect in your new relationship, this is normal and it happens to all will be better anywhere but with that delusional sadist. make sure you take all the proof you need to build your case in court, receipts, letters, phone records if available, your kids if they witnessed anything, and proof of the lack of his contribution to support his own kids. Great blessings to you and your new life..

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